


Hetero For A Day

by goodlivin2u



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Charlie Bradbury & Dean Winchester Friendship, F/F, M/M, Mattress Shopping, Minor Charlie Bradbury/Gilda, Minor Destiel, Teasing
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-09-03
Updated: 2019-09-03
Packaged: 2020-10-06 06:07:41
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,303
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20502155
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/goodlivin2u/pseuds/goodlivin2u
Summary: A chance encounter between Dean and Charlie causes them to pretend to be married in order to save money on mattresses. Will they be able to play the part long enough not to kill each other?*minor ships (including Destiel) in the background. Fic focuses on friendship between Dean and Charlie.





	Hetero For A Day

**Author's Note:**

  * For [goodlivin2u](https://archiveofourown.org/users/goodlivin2u/gifts).

Dean couldn’t remember a day that didn’t involve him saying the word “mattress.” He and Cas had been shopping for a new bed for at least a month now, with no end in sight. At first, Cas thought that they could buy one online with customer reviews as their guide. But Dean reminded him that it’s like trying on a bra (an analogy Cas could actually understand, thanks to being a frequent crossdresser). Sometimes, online shopping just won’t do.

“It seems as though this will involve… talking to people,” Cas says as a shudder passes through his body.

Dean pulls his boyfriend along as they move through the crowds of people at the mall. It’s early in the morning, but it is Labor Day weekend and all the stores have started their sales.

Unfortunately for Dean, he’s been the one doing most of the work trying to buy a bed these past few weeks. Cas doesn’t seem to care much because he doesn’t sleep much, but Dean needs at least four hours a night. Thanks to their current mattress, Dean’s body has been aching more when he wakes up than when he went to sleep the previous night – and it’s not from all the sex he’s having. Add that to a naturally-grumpy Dean early in the morning, and it’s a horrible combination. He threatened to shoot a bird in the parking lot a few minutes ago because it was blocking where he needed to drive! Damn rats with wings…

He’s just about given up on any hope for a good day when the shopping carts out front are stuck together. He yanks one with all his might, falling backwards onto a girl behind him, causing her to crash into a friend.

Dean tries to brush it off, opting to lighten the mood with a joke: “Did I make you fall in love with me, or shall I try that again?”

He can see that the girl – no, woman – is fighting a smile, despite still being miffed. “Dude, you’re totally not my type.” She jabs her finger towards her friend while winking.

Understanding dawns on Dean and he nods. As he and Cas walk away, Dean suddenly turns around.

“Hey, haven’t I seen you before?” he calls out to her.

“Uh… maybe? We don’t get out much these days because we’ve been busy moving into a new house. Today is dedicated to shopping for mattresses, though.”

And that’s when the pieces fall into place. Dean _has_ seen her before: last week at Ashley Furniture Homestore, and at Costco when he and Cas were grocery shopping (their friend Chuck told them it was best to buy toilet paper in bulk, and they’ve been going there ever since).

“Need any help?” Dean asks. “My partner and I are old pros at this and we wouldn’t want you lovely ladies being taken advantage of. Those salespeople have no souls and are willing to do almost anything for a deal.”

The woman strides up to him, looking at Dean straight in the eye. “You clearly haven’t seen me in battle then. Watch and learn, boys!”

She makes a peace sign with her hand and leaves. Oh, it is so on. One way or another, Dean is buying a mattress today, and it has to be better than this lady’s!

\- - -

Dean and Cas are at the food court taking a break when they spot the couple from earlier come out of yet another store looking clearly displeased.

Dean stands up, ready to gloat in their faces. Cas pulls his arm back, giving Dean puppy-dog eyes he learned from Sam. Dean’s heart softens immediately, but he still walks over to the women.

“Another one bites the dust?”

“Yeah, but the guy was a jackass. Total homophobe. I swear, there’s more of them every day.”

Dean shakes his head. “Nah, they’re just more open about their views because they finally have a president that endorses their opinion. They were always here, and they probably always will be.”

“Not if I have anything to say about it,” the otherwise-silent girlfriend mutters under her breath.

“How about you guys take a break and come sit with us? It will give you time to think of a new game plan.”

They walk over to where Cas is seated, both of the women slumping into a chair.

“Dean,” he says, introducing himself.

One of the women shake his hand, offering her own name: “Charlie. And this is my significant other, Gilda.”

“See, I prefer the term ‘partner.’ It leaves people to wonder… are we dating? Are we detectives on a case together? Are we cowboys? Are we cowboy detectives in a relationship? There’s no bad answer. Right, Cas?” Dean asks the man to the left of him. He nodded, smiling at Dean.

Charlie sighed. “It just feels like as soon as people see two women together, everyone starts acting differently around here. We thought shopping far away from where we live might get us better results, but I guess not.”

She laid her head on the table.

“How far did you drive?”

“About an hour. Maybe hour and a half,” Gilda answered.

“Just for a mattress?”

The women stared at Dean and Cas with exasperated looks.

Dean is midchew through his burger (which doesn’t even compare to the Roadhouse’s, but what can you expect from a four-dollar burger?) when his eyes light up with an idea.

“Hey, what if we pretended to be married? You – “ he pointed to Charlie “- with me and Gilda with Cas? Pretend to be hetero for a day?”

“You’re one to talk, Mr. Bi-til-I-Die. The rest of us have to suffer,” Cas argues.

“He’s right, though. I think the salespeople have been unfairly charging us higher prices. If it helps both of us achieve our goals at the end of the day, what’s the harm?” Gilda reasoned.

“Fine,” Charlie pouted. “But just because we’re trying beds together does NOT mean there’s gonna be any funny business happening later on.”

Dean crossed his heart. “Scout’s honor.”

“And – you have to refer to me as your Queen for the rest of the day.”

“What?! No way.”

“That’s the deal, take it or leave it!”

Dean looks to Cas for help, but his boyfriend only shrugs in response.

“Deal. But we’d better have a backstory or else they’ll never believe us.”

Charlie winked. “Oh, I have the perfect one.”

\- - -

Half an hour later, the group was going over their specifications. Dean and Charlie would search for a King-sized bed, while Cas and Gilda would buy a Queen-sized one because they were slightly smaller and could use less space.

Half an hour later, they were almost done. Dean grabbed a napkin from the table and borrowed a pen. He was just about to explain spring design (thank you, mechanical engineering degree!) when Cas handed him his ‘old-man glasses’ that he kept in the fanny pack around his waist. Dean refused to carry a man purse (or dignify its existence by calling it a ‘murse’), but found that he needed something to hold his phone, keys, wallet, Cas’ absurdly-miniature camera, and other odds and ends he collected throughout the day. When Cas found a hideous fanny pack at a garage sale reminiscent of the 1980’s fashion, it was love at first sight. The dude hadn’t gone a day without wearing it, and Dean hated to admit that it did come in handy more often than not.

The glasses, on the other hand… well, the truth is that Dean’s getting old and his eyesight is worsening. So he swiped one of his Uncle Bobby’s old pairs that he’d never miss and they worked just fine. Dean didn’t want to shell out money for custom glasses, because that meant admitting the inevitable.

“Old mattresses used to be firm and the springs would only move if you pushed on them hard enough,” he said as he drew an old model. “That’s why you’d wake up with an arm cramp if you laid on your side long enough. But now, mattresses have technology where the bed moves with you. So the heaviest parts of you – such as the shoulders and hips – will make the springs dip and rise with pressure changes.”

“That makes sense, but what about all this gel versus non-gel nonsense they keep asking us?” Gilda said.

“Gel will increase the spongy feeling, reducing the need for a mattress topper or egg crate. It also decreases sleep disturbance due to the other person getting in and out of bed during the night or tossing and turning. Finally, it regulates temperature so you stay cool. It definitely has helped my own mother during her menopause, so maybe you should invest in it for the future?”

Charlie scowled. “I think we’re good. Shall we go now?”

\- - -

An hour later, Dean thinks he’s found the perfect mattress.

“People say the cliché ‘it’s like sleeping on a cloud,’ but I never believed them until now. It’s as if I’m fighting off advances from the Pillsbury Doughboy!”

Charlie poked him in his stomach, causing him to shield it with a pillow.

“Don’t get too comfy – we have a few more choices to consider,” she warned.

“Oh no, you can go ahead. I don’t think I’ll ever leave. They’ll have to load me into the moving van like this. Don’t believe me? I’ll give Cas the keys to the Impala right now – and I never do that!”

Charlie rolled her eyes and waved over the salesman.

“Are these mattresses stain-proof? I know they’re water- and wine-resistant, but what about blood? My periods can get really messy sometimes, and if my hormones act up, I might actually murder someone.” She looked at Dean.

“Oh yes. Our fibers have been enhanced with advance technology that makes them both durable and eco-friendly. While we will gladly haul away and replace any mattresses that are permanently discolored, we assume no responsibility for removing a body. You must salt and burn it on your own time.”

“I think those are all the questions I have. Seems like my husband has become the King of LazyLand here. Think we could make a deal and you take him off my hands?”

“I’m sure something could be arranged,” he said with a creepy smile.

Charlie pulled Dean up into a sitting position. “Boo Bear, you ready to check out? Remember, you promised that you would pay as a treat for my birthday!”

Dean wondered for the millionth time today if playing pretend was actually worth it.

As he signed the papers, Cas and Gilda came up to the cash register. Gilda handed over her credit card to the manager, causing him to exclaim: “Well, we know who wears the pants in this relationship!”

Dean had to cover his laugh with a cough, because the statement was too true. Oh, if only the poor guy knew…

“Now, these mattresses in-store are a bit softer than the ones being delivered because many people have tried them out. You’ll have to break yours in, and it might take a while.”

Dean side-eyed Cas, but wrapped his arms around Charlie and kissed her on the cheek.

“Sir, that won’t be a problem. Charlie and I have sex so much, I’m surprised she isn’t pregnant yet! I mean, look at these hips – full of fertility and perfect for birthing. We’ll be back to get a kid’s bed in no time at all!”

Charlie stomped on Dean’s foot below the desk.

The salesman’s face lit up. “In that case, how about you buy it right now? I could give you a 20% discount.”

“It’s a hard pass, but I think we should stop while we’re ahead,” Charlie said.

As soon as the four of them had left the store, Charlie turned to face Dean.

“’Fertile hips?’ Are you joking? I hate kids. I’ll be the cool aunt any day, but I get to give them back to Mom and Dad when they start getting on my nerves. Can you honestly see me being a good mom?”

Dean feared that if he answered that question, it might cost him more than he bargained for.

“Well… it got us a good price.”

“My uterus is as inhospitable as the planet Venus!”

“That doesn’t make sense. Isn’t the saying ‘men are from Mars, women are from Venus?’ And isn’t Venus the planet that’s most similar to Earth, which is known for many life-forms?”

Dean had only met Charlie today, but already knew what pushed her buttons. It was so easy to tease her.

Pointing her finger at him, she said: “Don’t use logic on me! My analogy works fine for this. I just have to find a new planet. So, my uterus is as inhospitable as… as… Uranus!”

“I beg to differ. My anus is perfectly hospitable – isn’t that right, Cas?”

Cas looked up, unaware of what was being said. “Hmm? Oh yes, of course. Sorry, I wasn’t paying attention. Gilda and I were discussing a bee documentary. You remember, the one we watched last weekend?”

Dean remembered. Cas made him suffer through two whole hours of it, fell asleep with the remote underneath him, and left Dean to clean up the spilled popcorn. It was supposed to be date night.

“So!” Charlie changed the subject, apparently no longer upset with Dean. “I’ll call you when the next LARP is scheduled?”

“Sounds good, Charlie.”

Dean opened the door of the Impala, but Charlie stayed put.

Crossing her arms, she said: “Ahem, what was that?”

“As you wish… my Queen.”

He bowed as he climbed into the car.

“Much better!”

Dean pulled out of the parking lot, using his free hand to wave out the window as a Queen would do. Charlie laughed. This would be the start of a beautiful friendship.


End file.
